I Thought Going Platinum Blonde Would Change How People Saw Me, But It Mostly Changed How I Saw Myself
Nov 25, 2018Our connection has been codependent: My thick, black locks, which once cascaded down my back and surpassed my behind, grounded me as an individual. When I close my eyes and picture myself, that's the vision that comes to mind: that unruly, unkept mane. I had invested so much in this image of myself, that I never dared to ask what would become of my identity if, say, one day, that person with whom I identified suddenly changed. I never dreamed of going platinum blonde in the same way that I never pondered cutting off my left arm: My hair had become a vital part of my personhood.I've never had the privilege of being unaware of my own hair — particularly because I was born with a lot of it. I am from a loud but loving family of Middle Eastern immigrants, but I was raised on Manhattan's Upper East Side. As an adolescent, I was frequently mocked for resembling a werewolf or caveman by my predominantly white, blonde peers. I soon grew weary of my appearance, and thus, resentful of my racial identity. I resolved to blend in with my American cohorts as much as humanly possible. I made the decision to start waxing from the very young age of eight and went on to try every treatment in the brochure: threading, laser, Nair — you name it, I've used it to rip follicles out from under my skin. In fact, the only hair I never dared to touch were the locks upon my head.As I've grown older, though, I have come to the realization that, sometimes, letting go of aspects of your identity can make room self-recreation. By letting go of old notions of who you were, you may just experience the thrill of discovering who you truly are — or at the very least, who you could be. This revelation hit me the first time I decided to quit my job. Readjusting the expectations that I had for myself shook me to my very core. Disoriented, I struggled with the idea that, while people viewed me as the "same old Iman," I felt like an entirely different person. Thus, I resolved to alter myself on the out...